Week 24

© Abby Bayani

“Cross your eyes.”

“Close them?”

“No, cross. Trust me.”

Jessie’s words echoed in my mind on my way home from work. Christmas Eve had never been this lonely, especially with my big brother and his family gone. I’m not jealous of them going to Canada to spend the holidays, just plain sad.

My brother and I had been orphans since I was 8, he 14. Mom died with a heart attack and Dad followed her just 7 months later. Ever since then we lived with Mom’s sister, Aunt Tessa. She loved to sew clothes and I would’ve been happy about it if she didn’t force me to wear the jumper she made that screams neon pink for my first day in college. Still, she was as sweet as the cupcakes she baked for the Yuletide Season.

When Jessie got married two years ago, he moved out of Aunt Tessa’s house, leaving me behind. He was jubilant when he moved out of Aunt Tessa’s house for one, he’s getting his own house for his family and second, he doesn’t have to pretend to be happy in receiving another pair of orange pants from our aunt.

It was hard, and hurtful for a kid to accept the death of her parents. I knew Jessie had a hard time too – harder even, since he had to grow up and be my dad and come out of stories as to where Mom and Dad went.

“Cross your eyes,” said 14-year old Jessie on our way to Aunt Tessa’s house, our new home.

“Close them?”

“No, cross. Trust me.”

I did what Jessie told me, and I was amazed with what happened to the Christmas lights hanging on the houses in the neighborhood.

“What are those, Jessie?”

“They’re spirits, Sam. I’m not sure which of those, but Mom and Dad are there somewhere. Just cross your eyes when you see Christmas lights every time you miss Mom and Dad.”

It was cold outside; the chilly breeze blew past my face as the jeepney moved forward. There were two kids sitting across me– I assumed brothers and sisters – and they were competing with each other as to who gets to see Christmas lights more. Just like Jessie and I did.

“Look at those then cross your eyes,” said the little boy to his sister, pointing at the colorful display of Christmas lights.

I smiled and crossed my eyes.

And it felt more like Christmas.

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Cross-Eyed Christmas by KASH